Your Official Drinking Rules for the Super Mario Bros. Movie

Posted April 4, 2023

By Dan Robitzski

Let’s-a go! On April 5, the second installment in the Super Mario Bros. cinematic universe will be released, when the aptly named “The Super Mario Bros. Movie” hits theatres. (I will insist until the day I die that the 1993 cinematic masterpiece is forever a part of Mushroom Kingdom canon.)

Will it be good? Will it be groan-inducing schlock? It doesn’t matter at all, because we’re gonna see Mario, baby! Wahoo! Speaking personally, I’ll be buckled up for the ride and feeling good from start to finish, when the wait to see what I assume will be two to four post-credits scenes becomes a race against the urgency of my bladder bursting at the seams. And that’s because if I’m seeing a movie in theatres, you’d better believe I’ve got at least one type of alcohol hidden on my person, whether it’s a pocket flask full of cheap liquor or cans of beer or wine hidden in a backpack.

For the past few days, I’ve been soliciting drinking jarules* from the rest of the Trashed Fam so that I could assemble them here for your benefit. Some are obvious (“Drink for every ‘Wahoo!’”), others are coping mechanisms (“drink every time something seems like it was supposed to be a joke”), but all will guarantee a good time. Let’s get nasty, buds.

*If you’re new to Super Trashed TV, our cardinal drinking Jarule is that you’ve got to call them that. Sorry! I don’t make the JaRules, I just—oh. Nevermind.

The “Official” The Super Mario Bros. Movie Drinking JaRules

Let’s get started with a freebie.

1 ) Drink every time a character uses an iconic power-up. -Trashed Bro Calvin

Aaaand let’s go right into cynicism.

2 ) Drink when a character references a voice actor’s other work. -Trashed Bro Seamus.

That’s right — if Piss Chratt makes one reference to the floating blocks looking like Legos, or if Mario does the “taming velociraptors” pose from Jurassic World on some Yoshis, take a big swig of whatever you snuck past AMC security.

3 ) Drink every time you hear a child in the theatre ask about an obvious reference -Yours truly

4 ) Drink for every joke that breaks the fourth wall or includes a Joss Whedon-esque “Well that happened” or “well that was weird” moment. -Yours truly

And, along the same line of thought,

5 ) Drink every time something seems like it was supposed to be a joke. -Trashed Bro Brandon

6 ) Drink for specific Mario catchphrases! -Trashed Bro Jacob

You know the ones! Let’s count “In another castle,” “Mama Mia,” and hell, why not “It's dangerous to go alone, take this,” “Use boosts to get through,” and “You had me at hello” or “Shagadelic.” Oh, and let’s not forget the iconic “Wahoo!”

7 ) “Oh and drink if you see even a single fucking Minion,” Jacob adds. “I will shit if that happens.

8 ) Drink if Peach fights another “lady character.” -Mel, esteemed wife of Trashed Bro OJ

9 ) Wild card! Drink whenever you want! -the beautiful folks reading this